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Winner Didn't Even Know It Was Pie-Eating Contest
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Ape Footage Causes Brief Three-And-A-Half- Minute Interruption In Channel-Surfing
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Britain Cleaned, Restored, Placed In British Museum
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News In Brief
Man Knows Unsettling Amount About Nationwide Age-Of-Consent Laws
HAGERSTOWN, MD-- During a conversation at work last Friday, drill-press operator Pete
Cromartie revealed a disturbing familiarity with various states' age-of-consent laws.
"I mentioned to Pete that I'd be visiting family in Pennsylvania over the weekend,
and he says, 'You oughta pick up some chicks there, 'cause they only gotta be 16,'"
coworker Geoff Richardson said. "Then he says, 'South Carolina's the best: 15.' I
mean, that's seriously creepy." Richardson said he later heard Cromartie talk about a
bill pending in the Hawaii legislature that would lower the state's age of consent to
13.
White House Guidance Counselor Recommends Clinton Consider Career In Hotel Management
WASHINGTON, DC-- At his mandatory post-presidency appointment with White House guidance
counselor Larry Schecht, Bill Clinton was encouraged to consider a career in hotel
management Monday. "Your Myers Briggs score suggests you would do well in a variety
of job fields," Schecht told Clinton. "You could be anything from an architect
to a food scientist, but your strong people skills indicate you would make an ideal hotel
manager." To learn more about the field, Schecht recommended that Clinton set up
informational interviews at some Washington-area hotels, as well as complete the exercises
in the book What Color Is Your Parachute?
Bunch Of People Apparently Saw That Brendan Fraser Mummy Movie
SACRAMENTO, CA-- A lot of people apparently saw that Brendan Fraser mummy movie, area
resident Bill Whited said to himself Monday while watching a trailer for The Mummy
Returns. "Wow, I guess a bunch of people out there saw that thing," Whited
said of 1999's The Mummy. "I vaguely remember it being in theaters for a few
weeks, but I guess it was big. What's next, The Whole Nine Yards II?" A sequel
to 1999's The Whole Nine Yards is currently in pre-production at Paramount.
Explosion Used To Signify Big Savings
WORCESTER, MA-- In an ad for Kearns Home & Garden Center in Monday's Worcester
Telegram & Gazette, a violent explosion was used as a visual metaphor for low
prices on thousands of items throughout the store. "Don't miss our once-a-year
'Explosion Of Savings' event," read the ad, which equated the destructive detonation
of trinitrotoluene (TNT) with great savings on everything from Black & Decker wet-dry
vacs to tulip bulbs. "Start the new year with a 'bang' of a bargain!"
Toilet-Paper Edge Given Classy Appearance With Triangular Fold
MISSOULA, MT-- A roll of Charmin bathroom tissue in Room 316 of a Missoula Motel 6 was
imbued with a regal air Monday when the maid service folded the edge of the first sheet
into an eye-pleasing triangle. "I felt like a pampered duchess," motel guest
Rachel Spencer said. "That's what I call 'living the high life.'" Spencer also
gushed about the Motel 6 matchbook propped up in the center of a sparkling-clean ashtray.
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Top Story
'80s Retro Craze Sweeps Executive Branch
WASHINGTON, DC-- Remember SDI, deregulation, and tax cuts? The new
administration does. That's right, '80s retro fever is sweeping the executive branch, with
President Bush and his nostalgia-crazed colleagues going wild for the people and policies
of that "totally tubular" decade.
Full Text »
In The News
Developmentally Disabled Burger King Employee Only Competent Worker
Area Man Likes To Think Of Own Past As Sordid
Vacationing Woman Thinks Cats Miss Her
Editorial
Somehow, We'll Middle-Manage
I Bet I Wouldn't Be Laughing So Hard If It Was Me In That Fire
The Onion Presents
Super Bowl Party-Planning Tips
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A look at the numbers that shape your world.
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